This post is about Christmas

It’s 1:09 AM on Christmas Day, and the only thing I’m looking forward to is the the money I’ll be awarded for a year of acceptable, if not good, behavior. And like a neglected dog who is tossed a treat by his owner, I will cherish these technicolor bills. $50 to my loves and $50 to my vices. Sound good? That’s the plan.

thomas

When I was four, my daddy roped Thomas, dragged him behind our barn, and shot him in the cold December morning.

Yesterday, I met Thomas again at the bottom of a bottle of Robitussin and his skinny phantom limbs planted themselves on my chest and there were more than I think a little boy should have and my eyes swam with tears and

“THOMAS!”

my door was open and there was daddy again old graying hair and his liverspotted hands reaching for my throat and I was in the snow again with a gun in my hand and there was Thomas who sat quivering, bawling, stumbling and trying to run but I raised the rifle and pulled the trigger and the weight was lifted and I could sit up and with a one-two breathing and a left-right dizziness that permeated my every move I stepped over daddy’s corpse.

I sit in the physician’s uncomfortable leather chair head still swimming with toddlers and guns and cold December snow and I tell the nice doctor daddy died from a stroke.

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so i decided to stop pussying out and post some fiction. This started out as my grad blurb, but eventually turned into this.

Nosaj Thing – Drift

1. Quest
2. Fog
3. Coat of Arms
4. Ioio
5. 1685/Bach
6. Caves
7. Light #1
8. Light #2
9. 2222
10. Us
11. Voices
12. Lords

Genres: Electronic, ambient, glitch-hop

Download

El Guincho – Pop Negro

1. Bombay

2. Novias

3. Ghetto Fácil

4. Soca del Eclipse

5. Lycra Mistral

6. FM Tan Sexy

7. Muerte Midi

8. (Chica-Oh) Drims

9. Danza Invinto

Genres: Electronic, Tropicalia, Psychedelic

Download

Warning: titties and general rowdiness

departure

I want to leave it all behind. I’ve always been attached to Toronto, but I’ve never been able to tell myself why. Is it my friends? The people? The fucking architecture? I don’t know, and I still don’t. Recently, I’ve felt like leaving, but there’s no where to go. Even if there were, I’m tethered to where I am by obligations and institutions, and I’m so sick of it all.

I think about all the opportunities I’ve missed, all the places I could never go and all the things I could never do and it makes me want to cry. I want to buy a plane ticket and travel to Europe, living by myself for a year or two. I would be financially independent, I would be happy, and most importantly, I would have no more responsibilities except those I choose to undertake. I would return, and maybe I’d have learned a new language, or a trade, or something substantial. I would return to school, get my degree a year or two late, and start working at the age of 30. I would be old, but I would also have lived, if only for a few years. How many other people can say the same?

I don’t want to go back to school anymore. I want a way out of the academic system. I want to actually live my life, and I want to do it by myself. I don’t need parents to hold my hand or teachers to point me in the right direction. I want to make mistakes and learn from them, I want to learn what it means to be happy and what it means to be hurt, and I want to do it while I’m still young. I don’t need to spend six hours a day around people I’m forced to interact with, being force fed information I’ll never need to know.

My time is valuable and I want it back!

A note for someone who hates me

I don’t hate you; I think you’re beautiful. In fact, I’m very jealous of you. If I could, I would fly to you and rescue you I would and I would happily take your place. I would rot for an eternity if you, only you could make her happy. A year, two years ago you could, but no more; your time has passed. Let me take my chances with her, hope that I fare better than you. Be an altruist! Doesn’t her happiness mean anything to you? You had your time with her, and now I think it’s mine. I regret that I will never be you, and whatever secrets you shared with her will be yours alone. You can hate me if you want, but I think you’re beautiful, oh you.

Your face was always prettier than mine, your cheeks callow and rosy with youth. But when you left you left a man, and you left another man in your place. Did she ever love you? She tells me she loves me and no one else, but I can see she loved you, might still love you. Do not gorge yourself on a half-truth from the words of a despised lover, ancient and lewd. Cry until the tears washes you dry and the sun shines you clean. Until your eyes are red and sore and can see everything anew. You will love again. You still have your youth.

Hey, I thought of something to write about!

I recently finished the entire Sandman series! One of the more interesting things I noticed was the fact that Dave McKean is the artist who designed most, if not all, of the Sandman covers! This is the same man whose graphic novel “Pictures that Tick” I reviewed and didn’t quite enjoy. I thought the covers looked familiar!

In any case, the entire series was captivating from beginning to end. Initially, I was surprised when Fan told me his favorite work of literature was The Sandman series. I expected something more, um, antiquated. Once I actually began reading the series, however, I understood why Fan and Rawb and everybody else seems to enjoy The Sandman so immensely. The series is the magnum opus of one of the greatest writers of our generation.  If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect some shady going-ons between Gaiman and his character, Morpheus. (You’ll get it if you’ve read Dream Country!)

Now that’s over with, I still have at least half a dozen other books/graphic novels to read ): Period B/E spare has given me a lot of free time, most of which I dedicate to the pursuit of literature in our very own school library.

Reading list so far:

Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (90%)

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (0%)

Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth by Chris Ware (25%)

Maus II by Art Spiegelman (70%)

 

Shouldn’t be difficult, right? Pretty much one novel and 2 comic books. Pft, that’s nothing.

I would hate for there to be an entire month devoid of a new blog post, so I’ll force myself to write one tonight. Even if I have nothing to talk about. Or too much to talk about to articulate. I think it’s the latter.

After a month or so of utter chaos, my life has more or less settled down into a natural rhythm. Comparatively, I am fitter, happier, and more comfortable with myself and the world around me. Life is good again?

Quest: Complete Mission “High School” with 90% accuracy or higher.             Reward: item “Diploma,” Access to Area “University of Toronto.”

Here’s an interesting (IMO) puzzle: You and a friend have a coin. You and your friend both pick a combination of 3 possible coin toss results. (For example, Heads-Heads-Tails (HHT)) Then, toss the coin and record each result. The first person to have their sequence appear in the results wins. Is there any way for you to increase your odds of winning? (Without cheating)

substance and subsistence

To be completely honest, the academic semester did not start off as well as I had hoped. By this point, I had planned to be ahead by at least a chapter in both biology and law. As for politics, my hopes remain dashed as Ms. McBurney still adamantly refuses to teach anything of real importance. Although I am a chapter ahead in the law textbook, I’ve fallen back on old habits. Club management, compounded by internet use and personal ills, have taken up most of my work time. Every week is filled with hectic planning for the next club meeting, sorting through hundreds of applicant emails, preparing scripts and forms and information sheets and all manner of club preparations.

On Tuesday, I had to finish a 5 page law report and a politics assignment the night before they were due. It wasn’t fun ): On the bright side, my last minute bullshitting skills have improved substantially!

That was the substance, I suppose. Now for subsistence, which is further divided into two sub-categories: physical and psychological.

Physical: I have not been eating well. Breakfast consists of one, MAYBE two small slices of raisin bread and nutella. For lunch I have crappy cafeteria beef patties or nothing at all. Dinner is usually one bowl of rice and whatever sides my dad prepared that day. I don’t think I’m getting more than 1500 calories per day. The last ‘real’ meal I had was probably South Side burgers with Fan and Naomi. =/ I WANT TO EAT BUT THERE’S NO FOOD. They should just have buffet tables everywhere. We should replace our school desks with buffet tables.

As for psychological subsistence… what’s there really to say? Actually, a lot. I’ve been thinking all the time these past few weeks. That empty cobwebbed corner of my brain that used to be devoted to social skills has, for the most part, been partitioned in favor of half-assed philosophical musings.

“Frontal lobe, your new job is to be pensive, moody and an all-around downer.”

I’m feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, my problems are shallow and meaningless in the long run. Ten, five, even one year from now, it will mean nothing. On the other hand, I don’t live ten, five, or even one year from now. I live in the present. For better or for worse, I lack the ability to observe my situation objectively from a future perspective; I can only live in the past and the present, and right now both have me worried.

I mean, friendships man. How do they fucking work? Transient like you would not BELIEVE! You spend years forming a bond that you think is strong, that will stand the tests of time only to have it torn apart as easily as a spring sapling when something as inconsequential as DISTANCE interferes. Admittedly, that’s not always the case, but when it does it’s a slow and devastating death for all parties involved.

The path to friendship is a strange one. Every road has its twists and turns, some more than others. The most confusing part of all, though, is the presence of shortcuts! What takes years of familiarity and dependency for some takes mere weeks of intense soul to soul conversations for others. What’s the point, then, in working towards a relationship when all you have to do is find someone you ‘click’ with, and you’re best friends in a week?

Some may argue that it’s not the destination that matters, it’s getting there. Well, that’s bullshit. The Journey itself is often unpleasant and filled with drama; it’s the destination that’s something to enjoy, something to look forward to. This goal-oriented approach to relationships may be unhealthy, but whatever. I am a goal-oriented person.

My brain tells me I should try to be happy but the other part of my brain often mistaken for the ‘heart’ tells me that everything is going to shit.

Maybe if I were a better writer, I could explain how I feel… Maybe if I were a better thinker, I wouldn’t have to.

I’M RIdiculously arrogant to do a blog post about my brain

A few weeks ago, I participated in a research study at Sick Kids Hospital that aimed to discover more about the ocular disorder known as amblyopia, or “lazy eye.” I’ve know many people who have suffered and recovered from this condition (Stephen, Yanni) but my case was a particularly nasty one. The thing with amblyopia is that it always causes blurry vision in one eye that is physically in perfect condition. If addressed at a young age, full vision can be restored and the child will live the rest of their life in relative normality. However, if you’re like me and didn’t even discover the lazy eye until age 7 or 8, things can get quite a bit more complicated. By that time, my amblyopic eye had already degraded to the point where lens correction was useless and my only hope was to wear an eyepatch and hope that it goes away. It didn’t. Now I’m stuck with one eye that’s 250 degrees myopic (‘good’ eye) and an eye that’s 500 degrees hyperopic (amblyopic eye), a difference of 750 degrees.

I use the term ‘hyperopic’ in the loosest way possible, since the issue isn’t actually related to cornea shape or focal length. In fact, calling my amblyopic right eye ‘far sighted’ would be like calling the  September 11 attacks ‘unfortunate.’ Literally everything I view through that eye is extremely blurry, regardless of its distance. In any case, my eyes are fucked up, but not to the degree where it would actually have a major impact on my quality of life. (hurrah, being different without a defect!)

And that was just the preamble.

During said study at Sick Kid’s, I was given the opportunity to have my head virtually dissected by a MRI scanner. Basically, I was given a Tim card for undergoing a procedure that normally costs upwards of $1000. Fuck yeah. Just today, they emailed me the images from the scan, and they are every bit as interesting as I had hoped. It comes in a pair of .img and .hdr files that must be opened with a special program called MRIcro. (Ha. Ha.) It’s pretty cool.

The file contains images of my brain split into 256 ‘slices’ from top to bottom, left to right, and front to back. There’s enough information in there to build a complete 3D model of my brain! The interface looks like this: (and yes, that is my brain)

Anyways, here’s a short animation I made that progresses through a left-right view of my brain at 5 slices/frame:

Finally, if you don’t feel like sleeping tonight, a model of my head as the MRI scanner sees it:

Don’t worry, I’m scared too.